yelling at me and telling me that I am satan for having made him have sex again when he was trying to abstinant and save himself for marriage. (And that's what's behind the tattoo on my arm reading 'eat the wounds and lick the breath, I am the sin that you like best.') Because he decided to use me as his scapegoat for his guilt for succumbing to the temptaion of the 'forbidden fruit' of having a virgin. Honestly how can a vigin, who ALWAYS said no, over and over again, be some evil tempting succubus? She can't.
So with that toxicity rolling around in my head I hurt the next guy who came along who was actaully very kind and very desent and whom I still love very much, (to my husband reading this, don't worry, don't be jealous, I don't mean it in any adulterous way.) (Funny how people most commonly only think of love as romantic love.) So I hurt him by tarnishing his name, if his name is brought up around any of my friends or family, anger always occurs, and for that I am very sorry. Being as damaged as I was after Branden, I should not have dated so early, I was jumping at shadows, seeing demons and monsters where there were none, and for some reason when I spoke what I saw as truth, people believed it as truth. But he was innocent! I felt so much guilt when I broke up with him, that when I went to seek comfort from a friend, I learned that not everyone who has a smile is kind. I was given shots of alcohol, where this 'friend' had non, and when I was blacked out I was raped, and he wasn't going to even tell me, I had to find out later when he slipped up.and when holes in my memory put humpty dumpty back together again.
This really messed me up for a while an how I saw men, esp since that individual was a co worker and often 'shared with me' how I was his muse durning his alone time in the bathroom and how my 'name' was then I a way all over the walls of the stalls in there. I was so appauled that my thought process went like this 'if guys are going to do this with me anyways, why not at least make a profeit off of it.' So I researched being an escort, and being a stripper, and I tried being a stripper for a while. This only lasted about a month because the hours conflicted too much with my day job. It was a beautiful learning experience though. 1 guys are not all perverse as they are made out to be. And 2 a lot of woman who dance are not trashy or whores as they are viewed to be, I have a lot of honor and respect for those woman out there. Many of the ones that I met are so beautiful, and passionate, and compassionate, and very well educated and honest, and very clean, healthy and sober.
After that, then for a few years I was alone, I was single, and I did some really growing up, some maturing.
Yoga has helped me so much, sure I haven't achieved the highest level of Consciousness yet, but that's not the point, the goal is not the piint the journey is! This is why I am spending the rest of my life dedicated to continueing to learn yoga and teach yoga, because I'm hoping to will save and transform of peoples lives as it has mine.
Adyashanti writes, 'Oh my gosh! Adults believe what they think! That's why they suffer! That's why they get into conflict. That's why they behave strangely, in ways I don't understand, because they actually believe the thoughts in their head.' ... 'They're insane! I understand them now: They're insane. It's insane to believe the thought in your head.' ... 'Your world is a drexm. You're living in an illusion,' ... 'Image? Good image, bad image, it's just an image!' ... in the book 'falling into Grace' the first chapter he talks about how our whole word is illusion, we live inside of what we create in our heads, our future is determined by our past, our relationships are made up of our thoughts, facing our illusions, what we think, why we think them, where they came from, really having to face ourselves and be honest is the first step to recovery, to letting go, to forgiving, to forgetting, to growing, loving, sharing, and living!
So with that toxicity rolling around in my head I hurt the next guy who came along who was actaully very kind and very desent and whom I still love very much, (to my husband reading this, don't worry, don't be jealous, I don't mean it in any adulterous way.) (Funny how people most commonly only think of love as romantic love.) So I hurt him by tarnishing his name, if his name is brought up around any of my friends or family, anger always occurs, and for that I am very sorry. Being as damaged as I was after Branden, I should not have dated so early, I was jumping at shadows, seeing demons and monsters where there were none, and for some reason when I spoke what I saw as truth, people believed it as truth. But he was innocent! I felt so much guilt when I broke up with him, that when I went to seek comfort from a friend, I learned that not everyone who has a smile is kind. I was given shots of alcohol, where this 'friend' had non, and when I was blacked out I was raped, and he wasn't going to even tell me, I had to find out later when he slipped up.and when holes in my memory put humpty dumpty back together again.
This really messed me up for a while an how I saw men, esp since that individual was a co worker and often 'shared with me' how I was his muse durning his alone time in the bathroom and how my 'name' was then I a way all over the walls of the stalls in there. I was so appauled that my thought process went like this 'if guys are going to do this with me anyways, why not at least make a profeit off of it.' So I researched being an escort, and being a stripper, and I tried being a stripper for a while. This only lasted about a month because the hours conflicted too much with my day job. It was a beautiful learning experience though. 1 guys are not all perverse as they are made out to be. And 2 a lot of woman who dance are not trashy or whores as they are viewed to be, I have a lot of honor and respect for those woman out there. Many of the ones that I met are so beautiful, and passionate, and compassionate, and very well educated and honest, and very clean, healthy and sober.
After that, then for a few years I was alone, I was single, and I did some really growing up, some maturing.
Yoga has helped me so much, sure I haven't achieved the highest level of Consciousness yet, but that's not the point, the goal is not the piint the journey is! This is why I am spending the rest of my life dedicated to continueing to learn yoga and teach yoga, because I'm hoping to will save and transform of peoples lives as it has mine.
Adyashanti writes, 'Oh my gosh! Adults believe what they think! That's why they suffer! That's why they get into conflict. That's why they behave strangely, in ways I don't understand, because they actually believe the thoughts in their head.' ... 'They're insane! I understand them now: They're insane. It's insane to believe the thought in your head.' ... 'Your world is a drexm. You're living in an illusion,' ... 'Image? Good image, bad image, it's just an image!' ... in the book 'falling into Grace' the first chapter he talks about how our whole word is illusion, we live inside of what we create in our heads, our future is determined by our past, our relationships are made up of our thoughts, facing our illusions, what we think, why we think them, where they came from, really having to face ourselves and be honest is the first step to recovery, to letting go, to forgiving, to forgetting, to growing, loving, sharing, and living!
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